Notches
by Dylan S. Thompson
Summary: Three ficlets.  I usually don't write angst, but Santana just wouldn't leave me alone!


**Perfect Record**

Brittany came out of nowhere, pushed her against the hallway wall, and pressed her lips firmly against Santana's. Panic and arousal coursed through her body, causing her knees to go weak. She had been dreaming about this for months, but how did Brittany know? Brittany pressed her harder against the wall and all Santana's worries left her. The moan she emitted came from deep within her.

Just as Santana lifted her hands to embrace her friend and pull her even tighter to her, Brittany pulled away and grinned mischievously at her. Santana smiled back widely, warmth spreading through her. She loved Brittany's smile.

All warmth left her when Brittany pumped her hand above her head and hooted, "Perfect record! Wooo!"

"Wh-what?" Santana asked, confusion lacing her voice.

Brittany reached down and grabbed her hand, pulling her back towards the main room of the party. "Perfect record! I kissed everyone at the party… you were the last. You were gone for a long time, Santana. Where were you? C'mon, let's go dance! I think I might try to get a perfect record at school, too. I love kissing!"

Santana just let Brittany pull her along, trying desperately to keep her face neutral as her stomach filled with ice.

**Notches**

There were two new notches in Brittany's bed when Santana came back from her grandparent's house. She'd only been gone a week.

Brittany's face had broken into a huge smile when Santana showed up at her door, and she had pulled Santana close and exclaimed, "I missed you!" They had linked pinkies and hurried upstairs, ready to get their sleepover started.

When they got to Brittany's room, however, the girl had stopped and said, "Shoot! I was getting cookies when you knocked. Lemme go get them!" Without waiting for a response she turned and bounded out of the room.

Santana had smiled fondly at where Brittany had been, a funny fluttering feeling in her chest. She had eased herself onto Brittany's bed. That's when she saw the new additions, which killed whatever had been flutter around in her.

Santana ran her index finger over the newly cut grooves. They were so fresh they might have been made today. There were twenty notches now…a year ago there hadn't been any. Santana remembered the nauseous feeling she'd gotten when she saw the first one and realized that it meant.

Over the past year she'd mostly learned to stomp down the feelings of jealousy and pain that came from that damn tally…but anytime there were new ones added it was like a shot to the gut. And there were new ones added a lot.

Santana tried to act like Brittany, like it was all fun and enjoyable. But it wasn't. She'd lost her virginity to some random junior, and she'd slept with Puck a few times, but it was never satisfying. She was bored and annoyed most of the time, a yawning feeling of emptiness and helplessness nagging at her throughout. The only time she'd ever felt really good, really happy, really complete during sex was when she was with Brittany.

Santana sniffled and ran her finger horizontally along the notches. Back, back, back to the beginning. Santana wasn't the first notch, or even the second- She was fourth. She wondered if Brittany even remembered anymore which notch was hers.

**Love**

Santana clung to Brittany with desperation. She could feel everything slipping away, which didn't make any sense considering Brittany had just told her she loved her more than anyone. But she still felt like everything she'd worked for with Brittany was slipping through her fingers.

_I love them. I love everyone in Glee club._

Brittany loved Artie. She loved Mike and Tina. She loved Mr. Schue and Rachel and Finn and Quinn. She loved her parents and her sister and Lord Tubbington and Charity. And, oh, she also loved Santana.

Everything was coming into focus for Santana. She pulled Brittany tighter to her. "You're my best friend," she whispered. It was the last thing she had, the one last thing that made her special when it came to Brittany.

"Yeah, me too," Brittany said happily. Casually.

Santana stiffened, and soon ended the hug. Her stomach was clenching and her eyes were stinging with unshed tears. She couldn't break in front of Brittany, who thought that everything was better now and soon would be normal again. She held up her pinky, which Brittany instantly took hold of. "When did you get so smart?"

Brittany grinned bashfully, and they started walking. To anyone observing, both girls looked happy.

But inside Santana felt her last bit of hope slip away.


End file.
